It seems like any time you read self-help books about anger, the message is always about releasing it. Facing it. Working through it. And while I completely agree with this approach for those who want to throttle every person who disagrees with them or triggers them, for others, anger can sometimes be healthy.
Case in point: Me. I am not an angry person. I hate being angry, and I am so ridiculously empathetic, that instead of being mad at people, I tend to either see things from their perspective or avoid my feelings about them all together. Luckily, when an injustice is occurring, I’m good at speaking up and taking a stand as a response to my frustration, but I don’t dwell on my anger. Only here’s the problem. There’s a person in my life who I love deeply, but who also monopolizes me and makes constant demands on me. This person is often in crisis. When responding, I most often operate from fear, afraid of the next mental crisis that will ensue and the consequences that could occur if I don’t make the right decisions (while I could segway here and write about how “saving” people actually keeps them from saving themselves, I’ll stick with the anger theme for now)
And so, I remind myself of the right to be angry. I’m not talking about screaming directly in someone’s face, (though sometimes it may be appropriate to do so); I’m talking about a healthy, angry stance within myself that says, “Enough! I’ve had it! I’m taking back my life, and no one can stop me!” Pair that with some furious journal writing, and viola! Self-empowerment.
A couple of weeks ago, while doing some visualization and spiritual work with myself, an image of a bouncer (yes, like a bar bouncer) came to me. I pictured him standing with me, strong, stable, and mildly angry. His job was to say “Oh hell no,” on my behalf the next time someone made an unreasonable demand on me. And wow, what a difference it has made. It hasn’t happened over night, but it has started to make an impact. I’m letting go of that scared little girl who has always wanted to please everyone and letting myself feel some much deserved anger, which has helped me to speak up and set boundaries.
When you’re tired of losing yourself, a little anger is okay.